Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
