I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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