i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
