she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
