phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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