Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
