What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
