Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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