my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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