Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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