I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
