Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
