I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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