fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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