she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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