I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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