All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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