dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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