Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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