Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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