I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
