mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize