My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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