You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
