You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
