She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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