i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
