Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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