Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
