i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
