i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
