My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
