someone get that fucking seahorse.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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