i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
