I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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