I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
