Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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