Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
