Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
