One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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