4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
