At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
