Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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