I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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