Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize