we have pet lesbian snakes
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Green mimosas i think yes
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You are the jesus of drinking
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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