I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she looked like the before picture.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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