Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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