i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
