life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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