You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
