Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize