I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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