the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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