my phone needs a breathalizer
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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