So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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