Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
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