I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize