she woke up with a sticky ear
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
