Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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