Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
