every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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