I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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