3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
