I saw his package. It spoke to me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
