just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
it glows. i had to have it.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
