somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Randomize
