Rock
Scissors
Fuck
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He shit in the fireplace
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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