Swine flu. Run for my life!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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