you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
