dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
